Planning a list and giving a lecture

I’ve been thinking alot recently about all the things I’ve done and all the things I really want to do with what years I have left. There is no immediate mortality threat, theres been no incidents or recent deaths, I just dont want to have regrets.

So in my spare moments I’ve been working on a list of things made up of all the things I wanted to do or see or experience or be before I die.

I think its also linked to the reflection and redirection that I’ve been pondering a lot lately too, you know when you have a career and a certain kind of lifestyle and you get to a point where you start to think, I’ve done enough on that one now, I don’t think there really is more that I want to get out of it, its time to make some changes before I start to fall into the ’rut’ then ‘rot that I’m too scared to change’ way that engulfs so many of the miserable sods you see around you everyday – bugger off miserable sods I say.

Anyways back to the list, a list needs to be specific, I like lists, I always do lists. I think lists help you feel better, ie I think I’ve done nothing but have actually achieved stuff – “see crosses on my list”. The beauty of a good list is to make it achieveable and specific, airy fairy fluffy lists are silly, freak you out and send you to bed “too hard, I cant do it, give me a drink!!” Lists with things crossed off make you feel good.

I like to feel good.

Grocery shopping lists don’t count – anyone who can go grocery shopping without a list and doesn’t forget anything is a freak, or a liar.

I shall ponder my list further over the next few days. In work speak, I'm whiteboarding as we speak.

Whilst I’m pondering, consider this. I am terribly tough with myself and brutally honest, I don’t see the point in lying to myself or anybody else for that matter, that is me. I’m the same with the people around me; unfortunately there are some people that I come into contact with on occasion who cant seem to handle this. They are attracted to me by the bright lights and the excitement of my confidence and the inner strength (big ego here folks – yep, I know) but crumble at the first signs of honesty being directed back at them – lots of people are attracted to me but the weak ones, the needy ones, the insecure ones cant cope and don’t stay - it always ends in tears. I offer friendship easily but it becomes very clear very quickly that its more than likely going to end in tears. I like people too much, I enjoy people too much, I get so much enjoyment out of people that I just let the friendships form. I'm a hopeful, I'm always hopeful, and then they fall and the friendship breaks. And they disappoint me, they dont make me sad, they just disappoint me.

Yes I know please don’t start that argument, I don’t have the patience for dealing with those constant needy needy moments, the treat them softly softly or you’ll make the cry moments, the lie to then to keep them happy moments, but really, I don’t have to do I. (I originally put a question mark here but changed it to a full stop, its not a question for me, I just don’t have to).

I don’t see how lying to someone is ever going to help them help themselves to get themselves out of whatever pit they are in? Agree?

Pandering to their neediness, continuing to support their own lack of ability or true want, to sort themselves out for themselves - I cant do this to people, I respect people too much to do that to them. And seriously, the only person who can ever get themselves out of whatever pit they are in is themselves - we can lower down the rope, we can guide them to whats the best available option to get them out, we can encourage and listen to them, we can send down food and water, we can help pull them up at times but its them that has to climb the rope, not me, not their parents, not their friends, not the governments, not society, not god(s), no-one....they just have to do it for themselves. So when you read this, that would be YOU.

You.

No one else.

Just you.

Lecture over.

On a lighter note, I cried like a stupid baby last night when Iato Jones died in Captain Jack’s arms – I knew he would, I knew it was happening, I knew how it would happen, but I still cried like a soppy silly baby.

Confidence, inner strength, brutal honesty, massive ego AND emotionally sensitive – what a catch !!!


Listening – Deaths & Entrances - My Latest Novel.
Reading - Darkmans - Nicola Barker (dont say still, I know but its over 800 pages long and I’ve been trying to go slow on it as its so good and I don’t want to stop)